僕には分からないことがひとつある。それは、どうしてみんながいがみ合っているのだろうかってことだ。
ミルクのように純白な正義感でみんなが振るう怒りの鉄槌はあらゆる他人を傷つける。
痛い、辛い、傷ついた、死にたい、死にたい、もう嫌です。助けて。
ネットに溢れるあらゆる言葉が氷のナイフになって、スマートフォンから飛び出して僕の目から心に刺さる。小さな小さなナイフの粒が目から僕の心に入ってくる。
まるで『雪の女王』のように、きっとみんなも僕も氷のナイフが心に引っかかって、残虐さに支配されて心が歪んでしまったんだ。
僕の死にたい気持ちは裏返り、みんな死ね、みんな死ねと呟いて、だったら僕がいなくなった方が早いんじゃないか、と気づく。
カリカリカリ……と何かに心が蝕まれて神経衰弱に陥っていた。気づくと部屋から1歩も出られなくなった。
バッテリーが切れたみたいに部屋の中でぐったりとして、大学にも行かず1日中ぼんやりとスマートフォンの画面を眺めていた。
そんなある日、僕の目の前に僕が現れた。
「よお、くだらないことで悩んでるお前」
え、なんで目の前に僕が？
「立てよ。ほら」
訳もわからず立ち上がる僕に、もう1人の僕は突然顔面にパンチをくらわせた。
「ははっ！ 悩んでないでぶん殴ってスッキリしようぜ。オラっ」
次は腹だ。なんでこんな幻覚を見てるんだ！？ ただ、痛みは本物だった。身体をくの字に曲げながら流しに胃の内容物を吐き出すと、胃液以外何も入っていなかった。
はは、空っぽの僕みたいだ。と感傷に耽る間も無く、振り向かされてもう1人の僕に側頭部を思いっきりぶん殴られた。
たたきから転がり落ちて玄関のコンクリにしたたかに頭を打った。
痛みに顔をしかめていると、胸ぐらを掴まれて立たされた。
「悔しいだろ？ 腹が立つだろ、恭一？ だったら俺を殴れよ！ 殴り合おうぜ！」
ひたすらにもう1人の僕に煽られる。
困惑する僕にもう1人の僕は頭突きをかましてきて、僕の怒りは頂点に達した。
ふざけるな、と怒りのままに左の拳を振りかぶり、もう1人の僕を力任せに殴った。
パンチはもう1人の僕の鼻にクリーンヒットした。
「そうだ！！ それでいいんだよ！！ もっと来いよ！！」
鼻をあらぬ方向にひん曲げて両方の鼻から鼻血を流しながら、もう1人の僕は爛々と目を輝かせていた。
こいつ、完全に頭がおかしいぞ。
でも、このままではやられてしまう。相手は本気だ。本気で僕を殺そうとしてる。
だったら、ぶちのめすしかない。
覚悟を決めて相手の腹を蹴って、吹き飛ばす。もう1人の僕を玄関まで追い詰める。
そのまま腹に強烈な右ストレートをお見舞いしようとしてーー
気づくとドアノブに手をかけていた。
ハッとなり正面を向く。幻覚は消えている。
扉を開ける。
ふわりとした、初夏のぬるい風が部屋の中に入ってくる。
遠く鳥の声が聞こえる。目の前の坂を自転車が降りてくる。銀輪が太陽を反射している。あんなに遠く感じた外が世界が色彩が両目を通して鮮やかに入ってきた。
両方の鼻筋から止めどなく鼻血が流れていた。僕は僕自身を殴っていたようだった。
気がつくと僕は泣いていた。ようやく心が動いた気がした。
どうやら僕の涙が、心の冷たいナイフを溶かしたみたいだった。
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